Well here’s another ramble about a horror movie I watched, The Prophecy: Uprising, an item of the massive Sean Pertwee marathon I’ve been having. While lacking the wonderful Mr. Walken, this film managed to amuse me… though I am easily amused. I would rank it below the first Prophecy film, but above the second, sadly I have not seen the others yet. But hey, if you’re a Pertwee fan you might as well watch this.
Well I managed to grab the title shot for this one… hello.
So it starts of with this dude running away from some unseen horror. We get some foreshadowing of creepy angel statues.
And creepy angel vision?
I do not remember this viewpoint being explained at all… in fact, reflecting on this film there are several things that are not explained. My moments of confusion did not last for very long, because I was easily diverted away from caring by many random, wondrous scenes.
For example when this happened
no idea what the f—- is going on, but it was beautiful.
"Take my money! I decided I don’t want to be in this fiiiillm"
This was actually explained because he was being chased by our main character all along.
Sean Pertwee is Dani Simionescu. Who’s name I did not pick up until the last scene, good job me. Anyways, what I got is that Dani is a Romanian cop… who at first seems corrupt, but actually isn’t, but he uses questionable methods, but is trying to seek salvation/forgiveness, because he did something really bad in the past… overall he’s a good guy, I guess. Let’s just say they did a good job of creating a character in many shades of grey… or should I say with moral ambivalence?
SO A GOOD THING TO KNOW ABOUT THIS MOVIE WHICH I WOULD HAVE FOUND HELPFUL, is that the dialog is in both Romanian and English… the characters just switch around saying stuff. Watching this opening scene, I realized I had only understood 5 words out of several lines of dialog. That’s when I noticed it wasn’t the quiet, gruff British accent that was throwing me off, it was the words in a language I could not understand. As a rule I don’t watch movies and have subtitles on, but if you really cared it might help with this film.
So Sean reveals he is a cop AND THEN HE STABS THE GUY IN THE NECK.
but it was just a fake out.
He takes the guy’s money and settles for spitting his gum in his face.
Which I thought was the best thing ever.
Then he goes on his merry way and somebody’s perching in the distance, MUST BE AN ANGEL.
I am sad to say there were not enough perching angel moments in this movie… but there were satanic pigeons, so I guess that made me feel a little better.
So Sean gives all the money he stole to the church.
Affirming that he is a good guy after all, just rough around the edges. Plus it turns out it’s drug money that he has confiscated, so all in all a decent sort of fellow.
He then meets this guy from Interpol.
It took me until this point to confirm he was switching between speaking Romanian and English.
I don’t remember what Interpol man wanted from him, but I do remember Sean wasn’t having any of it and decided to drive off dramatically.
and his car dies after going 10ft.
It is revealed that our mysterious Interpol officer is full of British sass.
"I don’t suppose you engage in a lot of high speed chases."
Also I think it’s a good time to say that this car was my favorite character in the film.
Then we cut to an old priest at the church, opening what I can only assume is the book of plot to this movie.
BUT IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!
Sadly priestman tries to comprehend the purpose of this film and, well…
When you try to make a plot, you pay the price.
So now the ball starts rollin’ and the young lady who works at the church takes this book home. However the film is going to meander back to these two
because let’s face it, they’re far more interesting. I also think they would make a great Sherlock, Watson duo, just look at them.
So Sean and Sherlock, are off to investigate a dead body that fell from a great height.
And while the movie is midst meandering, there’s this guy…
just standing around, hitting his board with a mallet. Then
HOLY FUCK MALLET MAN I HATE YOU!
The movie got me quite good, I reeled back from the screen on this one. So absorbed in odd little mallet man and then BAM
Stupid corpse snaps awake, probably to the stupid sound of that mallet. It was a good scare though. Also it was just a hallucination. I was a little disappointed, because I wanted a story of an evil priest who brings back the dead by rhythmically hitting a board with a mallet. Well I had to look this up and Semantron is a percussion instrument used to summon monastics to prayer, originating from a board and mallet, thank you wikipedia.
Well Dani and John (I’m going to try and use the character names now) go up to investigate where the body fell from.
And they hear a PIGEON… a large pigeon. Pigeons are some of the most exciting things in horror films.
I mean look at this satanic pigeon.
Oh wait he’s actually just a friendly bird.
Hello to you too my good sir. Wait there’s more…
Okay, when I watched this film I got “Hello Dahi Simionsdflsdjkfj”. I assumed more English/Romanian fusion. Well, now I know that says Dani Simionescu… the main character’s name… which must have been said at some point before this, but obviously not clearly, so this whole bit just went right over my head, but I was too involved with the pigeons anyways.
Have some more mallet man.
Well Sean and John have a nice conversation after that. Sean does not enjoy John’s analysis of his character.
"I’ll give you moral ambivalence"… no wonder his character is so all over the place. I’ve got to say, these two are a nice contrast to each other.
So FINALLY an interesting baddie arrives. A demon hell bent on retrieving the book.
And this is Simon.
And this is Simon with face.
And meanwhile, Allison, is the girl with the book.
She has the plot and doesn’t know what to do with it. Simon, the voice in her head, is not helping at all.
AND THEN THERE’S THIS SCENE (there are a lot of THIS scenes for me in this film)
Well THIS one decided to be entirely in Romanian, which made it even more WTF. I’m going to abridged dub this.
"I have a can of Spam."
"I don’t want your spam"
He said that bit in English and I agree.
There’s also a lot of angry dogs that I hoped would be explained at some point.
Our evil lady is wandering around up to general mischief and mayhem.
She kills someone with her finger, bad ass and pretty. Too bad they decided to have the demon switch bodies… when I don’t think it really had too? Or maybe it had something to do with eating hearts… Anyways before she changed she SHUSHED someone
making me think of our dear Mr. Walken.
Okay… HERE’S ANOTHER THIS SCENE. Just gonna say that, I don’t know why, but this was my favorite bit of the film. Probably because it’s set up as a cop in a chat room…
Saying “Yeah yeah, I’m a cop.”
Which he makes his screen name…
for the coroner’s chat room. ALSO WHO IS NECROMANTIC AND WHY DON’T WE HAVE A DIALOG WITH THEM.
Well sadly we don’t, we talk to Joseph_1995 instead and it goes something like this.
"No shit Sherlock."
And there you have it.
Well we’ve reached halfway through the film and they’re finally talking about the prophecy.
At this point Sean’s character is going on about how tired he is… you know what I’m tired too, but we still have half a movie to go.
Fine then. We’ll just end it here.
The Prophecy: Uprising. 2005. Dir by Joel Soisson. Starring Sean Pertwee and John Light. Dimension Films.
Speaking of dogs… if you’re a Pertwee fan and looking for a fun horroresque flick, watch Dog Soldiers (2002).
- Skip to 0:53, listen carefully to what the voice-over says and then observe the expression on little Sean’s face.
- Briefly feel bad for laughing.
- Continue laughing.
Sean Pertwee, BAMF, in Dog Soldiers
Like Father, like son.
SEPT JOURS A VIVRE
TITRE U.S.A. / TITLE U.S.A. : Seven Days to Live
TITRE ORIGINAL / ORIGINAL TITLE : Seven Days to Live
ANNÉE / YEAR : 2000
VU LE / WATCH : 13/04/2014
08 / 10 (ZONE 2)
GENRE : ÉPOUVANTE / FANTASTIQUE
PAYS / COUNTRY : ALLEMAGNE / U.S.A.
DATE DE SORTIE DU DVD / THE DVD RELEASE DATE : 27 NOVEMBRE 2001
DATE DE SORTIE CINÉMA / RELEASE DATE MOVIE : 09 MAI 2001
DÉTAILS : 1 DVD + BONUS
ÉDITEUR DVD / EDITOR DVD : M6 VIDEO / GAUMONT COLUMBIA TRISTAR HOME VIDÉO
Looks like Lestrade will perhaps be making a visit to NYC in the near future.
Elementary Stan will prob have a better view of these tweets tomorrow
Directed by: Michael J. Bassett
Starring: Sean Pertwee, Toby Kebbell, Alex Reid, Lenora Crichlow, Stephen Wight, Luke Neal, Stephen Don
Plot: After their fellow prisoner dies, juvenile delinquents are sent to an island. The group is eventually hunted down by a killer in the forest.